I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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