how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
