My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
