it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
How does one acquire holy water?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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