I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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