Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
