I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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