There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
