I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
