i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
