I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
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we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
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the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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