I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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