btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
