What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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