Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
