Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
