Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
