3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
