So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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