I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...