dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
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All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
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Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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