Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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