Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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