sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
