you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
