Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
