Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
