we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber