i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
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before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
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Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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