He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
