I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
