im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
