I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
