I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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