Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
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I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...