Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
porn star boner night. come get it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.