Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?