I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
