i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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