For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Houston, we have a squirter
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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