Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
