look no pants
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
