She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
