i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
