Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You are a genius and a whore.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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