Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
