Cold hands, warm shart.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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