Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
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she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
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Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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