oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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