After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
What happened to fro yo and sex?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
