Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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