Whod you bang
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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