The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
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My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
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Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
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