i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
