Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
