Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
