I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I need a beard to bite.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
There's even glitter on my cock...
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