She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
