I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We were destined to go to rehab together
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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