First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He better not be in your backpack
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
