You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
