remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
