I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
