just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
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So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
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WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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